


One Hundred Sleepless Nights

by HanranDansa



Category: VIXX
Genre: Diary/Journal, Kim wonshik - Freeform, M/M, Suicide Attempt, Triggers, Vixx - Freeform, cha hakyeon - Freeform, navi - Freeform
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2017-07-04
Updated: 2017-07-04
Packaged: 2018-11-23 11:50:34
Rating: Mature
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,984
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/11401836
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/HanranDansa/pseuds/HanranDansa
Summary: This is a story through N's diary entries of him going through some hard times; whether it be from him thinking the members hate him, to thinking he doesn't belong in Vixx anymore or him thinking he never had a shot at even being a good idol in the first place. After a while, N seems to have completely given up and he makes a rash decicsion.





	One Hundred Sleepless Nights

Day 1;

*sigh* Another day, another mess up for the books. I don't know what it is with me in practice lately... Nothing seems to go the way I need it to and the others are starting to notice how off I've been. The ask me all the time if I'm okay and i don't really know what to tell them. Of course I smile and say I'm fine. Sometimes I'll insist that I'm just tired, but It's getting harder and harder these days to keep up the charade. I'll keep up as long as I can but sometimes I can't help but wonder... Maybe I'm not cut out for this anymore... What if I never was? I'm tired now so I think I'm going to bed.

 

Day 6:

We had a day off today which was nice. However, my mood was a little less than good. I knew the others all wanted to go out and have fun and I wasn't going to be the one to ruin their fun. I insisted that I was sick and couldn't go and they offered to stay home and help me. I felt happy and of course I was grateful that they offered to spend their day off taking care of me, but I wasn't even really sick. I couldn't do that to them. I pressed and pressed that I'd be fine and after a few minutes they all gave in and decided to go out for the day. I was happy about that. They all work so hard and they deserve a break, but with how much I had been messing up, I didn't take a break that day. While they were gone, I spent the day practicing, hoping to fix what I had been screwing up and I like to think that I fixed a few things, but only time will tell I guess.

 

Day 12:

It happened again, even worse this time... We appeared on a show and had to preform, no big deal right? Yeah you'd think so. I messed up worse than I have been today. In the middle of our performance, I messed up my transition and not only did I trip, I tripped Ravi as well... He hurt his wrist a little and he keeps saying he's fine and the others say that mess ups happen, but I can't handle that fact. Mess ups happen yeah, but not like this. No one messes up this bad, this many times when you're supposed to be a professional. I just have to work harder. I'll work harder for the others and for the Starlights. I promise.

 

Day 22:

I guess it's been a while huh? Yeah... We've been practicing a lot lately. Yesterday we had a small showcase and well... It didn't really go as planned. I thought for a while that the show would go just as planned but I'm really getting tired of my screw ups. Yesterday was no exception. I thought the show was bad, but this was by far my worst. I missed multiple transitions and even parts of the songs. The others just think I'm distracted but I'm not. I know full well what I'm doing during practice but now it's during when it matter most that I keep messing up... At Hi-touch I think I was able to keep a smile on my face, but I know the others could see through it. We can always tell when one another is upset. They all said it wasn't that noticeable but I'm not dumb. I know I fucked it up. All the videos online proved it. Am I really just not cut out for this anymore?

 

Day 35:

There's not much to update you on right now, but I felt I should at least try. We've been doing a lot of recording and practicing, more so than usual which I don't really mind... I'm just really tired these days I suppose. I've been distancing myself a little too I think. I'm really not trying to, but some things are just unavoidable. After practices I've found myself sitting to the side and not saying much to the others. I try to put on a smile when we make our Vixx diaries though. I just hope the others don't think I'm mad at them... I love them and the Starlights more than anything! I just... don't really love myself right now.

 

Day 50:

I'm exhausted... I woke up in the middle of the night crying... I can't remember the last time I cried but this was the first time in a while. I had this dream, this dream that I was running after the others. I was calling their names, over and over... but... they wouldn't turn around they wouldn't acknowledge me. The just kept walking and no matter how much I screamed and cried, they wouldn't turn around and then... I was falling. It felt like forever that I was. And when I finally hit the ground, I was surrounded by darkness and I couldn't even see my own hand in front of my face. I remember crying and then there was a voice. It was like everyone's voices combined into one voice but one stood out. I think it was Ravi's. They said... 'We don't need you N...' The sentence rang in my ears like a loud bell and I felt so empty inside. That's when I woke up I think. In the bed next to me was Ravi, fast asleep and I knew it was all a dream, but I couldn't help but wonder if any part of it was true...

 

Day 60:

It's been a while since I've has that dream... I never told anyone about it. I knew they would tell me that I was crazy and that they would never do that, but... I didn't wanna risk being lied to. You never ask a question you don't really want the answer to right? *sigh* I hate myself for thinking they'd lie to me but i can't stop myself from feeling that way. Am I a jerk for acting like this? It's been so long since I've started feeling this way. I just wish my mood would get better.

 

Day 75:

Do wishes ever come true? Nothing bad's been happening lately. I've been doing well in practice and I've started to have fun again. There was a festival a while back that we all went to and I remember that that was the first time in a while that I had felt like myself again. It was nice... I hope this feeling lasts just a little longer. I wanna be able to be happy for everyone. I know I'm more fun to be around when I am.

 

Day 88:

I really thought things would start looking up you know? I guess miracles can't last forever. Since the festival things have been fun and happy but this morning it changed a little. I was online looking through somethings when I found all these mean comments about me. I tried not to let it get to me 'cause I know that everyone has someone who doesn't like them but I couldn't shake the thoughts from my head. 'N is gaining too much weight.' 'N needs to practice better.' 'He's too tan...' All of those comments started to bother me after a while... Why can't things just stay good...?

 

Day 98:

Do you ever just have days were you feel like curling up, laying there, falling asleep  
and never waking up again? Since those comments found their way into my life, things just seem  
to slowly be falling apart. I thought things were getting better, but now I'm not so sure... The others haven't said much to me lately. Maybe I've been distancing myself again? I don't know... Maybe it's just time for me to sleep for a while...

 

Day 100:

....................................I'm (A) little tired

So I think I'm going too (S)leep  
.......................I hope you (U)nderstand that  
....................................Somet(I)mes it's hard to breathe  
..............When my thoughts ra(C)e  
...............................Trapped (I)n my mind  
..........Its time to say goo(D)night  
.........................................Pl(E)ase don't forget

................That you mea(N) everything to me  
..........I'm sorry. I'm no go(O)d,  
.....................................Wi(T)h words but i love you,  
...........Please don't forg(E)t that...

 

N left his journal on the bed and turned the lights off before leaving the room. Everyone else was in their rooms except for Ravi and Leo who were in the kitchen so N figured that would be his best chance to sneak out without them noticing. He made his way up to the roof of the building and when he opened the door, the bitter cold air stung his body and he looked around the roof at the snow and thin ice that was there. He quietly closed the door behind him and walked up to the ledge, wondering if he should take the jump or if he should just let the cold consume his body. 

Ravi walked back into his and N's room with a cup of coffee and set it down, seeing an unfamiliar journal with N's handwriting laying open in the middle of the bed. He called out for N but didn't get a reply so he picked it up to look at it and he thought his heart stopped as he read the entry. He dropped the journal to the ground and called out for N again as he ran into the main room seeing the others sitting around.

"Where's N!?" Ravi practically screamed.

"I-I haven't seen him in almost an hour, why?" Leo asked, startled.

"He's gone! He left a note and now he's gone and... I think he's trying to kill himself! We have to find him!!" 

Ravi's vision was blurred with tears as he and the others rushed outside into the snow and ice to look for him. They caught sight of a large crowd gathered around, looking up and they looked up as well to see what was wrong and everyone felt their stomachs turn when they saw N standing at the ledge on the roof.

"Dammit!" Ravi cursed and ran back inside, flying up the stairs to get to the roof. No matter how tired his legs got, he didn't slow down once. He tried to push open the door but it was sticking from all the ice and he lost count of how many times he had to ram his shoulder into the heavy door to get it to budge. He heard a pop a few times and there was a tearing feeling but he couldn't have cared less. He took a deep breath and ran into the door one last time before it flew open and Ravi fell to his hands and knees, looking up to see N still standing at the ledge. 

"N!" Ravi yelled, standing. 

N slowly glanced back over his shoulder, to see Ravi panting and shivering.

"Shikie..." He gave a weak, sad smile. "Come to see the show have you...? Is that the others I see  
down there...?" N's voice was weak and raspy, like he'd been crying. 

"N! I came up here to stop you!" Ravi yelled. N was startled by hearing him shout and glanced back at him. "This is ridiculous! Don't do this N! We can help you, why didn't you come talk to us!?" Ravi  
felt tears sting his eyes.

"It wouldn't have helped." N answered simply. "Nothing will change."

"N..." Ravi said in a firm voice, trying to hide how scared he was. "Get away from there. We'll go  
back inside and talk about this.. Okay?"

N thought for a moment the took another step forward, now right on the ledge.

"N!" Ravi yelled.

"They're all waiting for me down there... I can't disappoint..." N mumbled.

Ravi realized N was completely out of it and knew he had to pull N by force. Ravi took a step  
forward, slipping a little on the iced roof. 

"It's cold tonight..." N stated. "You shouldn't be out here without a coat or you'll catch a cold..."

"That doesn't matter right now." Ravi stated. "I'm here to help you. Please..." Ravi's voice quivered  
as he couldn't hold back his sob. "Don't do this N..."

N looked back at Ravi with a crestfallen expression and sighed. "Is there any hope...?"

"Yes, if you just let us help you. Talk to us N. Talk to me. I... I love you."

"W-what did you just say?" N faced Ravi who had his arm stretched out to him.

"I love you Hakyeon. Please, let me save you." 

N felt his heart start racing and looked over his shoulder, realizing what he had just about done,  
and he slowly reached out to Ravi, taking a step, slipping on thin ice. He tried desperately to grab  
Ravi's hand but his whole body was so numb, he could hardly move, and the last thing he saw was Ravi reaching over the edge of the building, their fingertips just grazing each other, but it wasn't  
enough...

Ravi was screaming, screwing his eyes shut, too afraid to see anything. He could hear the crowd beneath him panicking and then there was a sudden silence. Ravi's entire body was shaking, but not from the cold anymore. He was scared, angry that he could't catch N in time. He hated himself and vowed to never forgive himself for not seeing this coming sooner. He knew N wasn't happy, but he had no idea that it was this bad. Ravi hugged his knees to his chest , bawling until he felt like he was having trouble staying awake and he barely had time to form the realization that he was losing consciousness.

. . . 

There was a faint beeping. Ravi didn't know what it was or if he was imagining it. His body felt weak and heavy, but he could hear familiar voices around him and he forced himself to wake up. His eyes fluttered open and he was staring up at an unfamiliar white ceiling. His head fell to the left where he saw four familiar faces. A small 'hey' came from his lips and their heads shot up, seeing that Ravi was awake and they surrounded his bed.

"Thank god you're okay!" Hongbin said. 

Ravi tried to sit up then felt an intense pain in his shoulder, and fell back on the bed.

"Be careful!" Leo warned. "You dislocated your shoulder."

"Dislocated...?" Ravi muttered. "How did I...?" A mass of images rushed through his head like a wave crashing onto he shore and Ravi immediately forgot his pain and shot up. "Where's N!?" He asked, in tears again.

Hyuk and Ken both pointed behind Ravi and he looked over to the right to see N laying in the bed next to his with his dark hair messily hung over his face. Ravi fought with his sling for a moment and rushed over to N's bed, holding his hand. 

"He's alive, Ravi." Leo informed with a smile. "He'll be just fine."

Ravi fell onto N's bed, sobbing, realizing that the beeping he was hearing was coming from a heart monitor that was hooked up to N and not him. He slowly regained his composure and gently ran his thumb across N's cheek.

"B-but h-how...?" Ravi asked, his voice quivering through his cries. "I... I watched him fall... I couldn't catch him in time..." 

"Well," Ken began. "We were all there at the bottom and so was a big ol' pile of snow. We all tried catching him and his fall was broken by a mix of us catching him and the snow."

"Right." Hyuk said. "He is a little banged up though. Snow isn't as soft as you think but it was softer than asphalt. The doctor said he should be able to come home with us tomorrow."

"Really? He can come home tomorrow after all this?" Ravi asked.

"Well... We didn't really tell the doctors that N tried to kill himself.." Hongbin admitted. That would've just meant more questions when we wanted them to focus on taking care of him."

"I see... What should we do about this though? He was going to jump. That much I know."

"We could send him into therapy?" Leo suggested. "I know he won't want to, but if it could help then-"

"I'm fine..." A weak, wheezing voice said.

Ravi spun around seeing N with his eyes open just a tad, squinting at the bright lights. "N! You're awake!" Ravi hugged the other, trying to keep his composure and the others hurriedly gathered around N's bed.

"Shikie... Your arm..." N mumbled, reaching for the sling.

Ravi shook his head. "That doesn't matter right now. You're my priority." 

"I'm sorry... I didn't get a chance to say it earlier." N mumbled.

"Say what?" Ravi asked.

"That I love you too... I was about to, and then... I remember falling. Did I jump..?" N asked.

Ravi shook his head, giving a sad smile. "No Yeonie, you slipped. I'm sorry I couldn't catch you in time." Ravi looked towards the ground, ashamed.

"We're gonna step out in the hall." Leo said, motioning for the others to follow, leaving Ravi and N alone. 

"Hey." N turned Ravi's face towards him and he fought through his sore body and leaned forward and kissed him. "Smile. You always look better when you smile." N said with a tired grin.

"I will." Ravi chuckled and kissed N's forehead. "But for now, you need to rest. We'll come by in the morning to pick you up, okay?" 

N nodded and Ravi watched as he closed his eyes and fell back asleep in a matter of seconds. Ravi chuckled and gently combed his fingers through N's dark hair.

"I'll protect you Hakyeon. I swear on my life..."

 

/END/


End file.
